I am honored to spend a good bit of my time working with parents committed to improving their own physical and emotional well-being. Part of this work often leads to discussions around their children, their children’s needs, and how best to meet these needs as their parents. Of late, this has included conversations around my perspective on FAFO (F*** Around and Find Out) parenting style. In short, this is a trendy rebranding of what was once termed authoritarian parenting. FAFO emphasizes consequences, real or contrived, of actions, whereas authoritarian parenting emphasized punishment historically. FAFO is viewed as a current reaction to the over permissive softness described as the parenting style experienced by most Gen Zers. So when parents ask me, ‘what do you think?’ they really want to know, ‘which one is right or best?’ Interestingly, the same debate is occurring in articles, where mental health professionals seem to come down on one side or another on the impact of this parenting style on a child’s emotional well-being.
My perspective? Parents need to be somewhere in the middle…though deliberately so. What do I mean by that? Well, let’s say you remind your 10-year-old to bring or wear their rain jacket as it is raining today! They are walking out of the house without it. It is 65 degrees, and they are clearly going to get wet. Let them. It is 65 degrees (not 31 degrees where perhaps significant cold is an issue). Furthermore, if or when they call or text you from school asking you to either come get them or bring their jacket, don’t. Being a bit wet will make them a bit uncomfortable. Let it be and let them learn. This is a safe and natural consequence of their actions that requires no need for rescuing. It is this rescuing that many now see as too soft or too permissive. The unintentional consequence of this softness just might be that as parents we are communicating that our children need rescuing and cannot cope (in a developmentally appropriate way) independently.
Where does softness come in? Through hugs, through questions asked of our children to better understand them and to internally motivate them to consider their goals, actions and strengths. This softness, mind you, is not permissive rescuing that will ultimately backfire. It is a surefire way to communicate our belief in our children. I welcome the opportunity to continue this discussion with you in the context of your own growth.
